Reaching Across Time
When I was in 3rd/4th grade I would repeatedly daydream about an older version of me building a time machine to come and hang out and visit their/our past. I needed a lot of love during my younger years that I thought only an older, wiser version of myself could give. I remember reaching for Her with all of my Will to manifest myself in the then and now and I could feel her; Me vividly, reaching back. I made pacts with myself that if I actually could build a time machine, my adult self would appear right now! I never came but the dream would go on, always giving an endless amount of compassion to my future self that I hadn’t cracked the science for time travel yet.
I didn’t know I was depressed when I was younger, but I was. I didn’t fit in with the other kids, or my family really. Even though I know my parents were doing their best, they didn’t know how to fully show up for us in the way we needed as children. They were dealing with their own childhoods, unaware that those ghosts had followed them into their marriage and subsequently their parentage.
When I turned 30 a couple years ago I was living in an Intentional Community focused on Authentic Relating and Personal Growth. A VERY intense 2 years of my life, but I grew A LOT in that house. One experience that remains with me was after some inner child work and making a profound connection to that 9 year-old Me. I felt them, I felt Me, younger Me, reaching out through time, and I realized; I did it. I completed the loop. I didn’t need to build a time machine, I AM the time machine! And in that moment I felt whole. I felt complete, and We were so proud.
I’m 33 now (34 in November). I am not the same person I was three years ago, I am barely the same person I was one year ago. And it’s so amazing to me how many versions of myself have existed and struggled, and strived to get me here, right now. It has taken me 33 rotations around the Sun to fully appreciate all of my past selves for the Work they put in for me to not only be alive, but enjoy life. I am so, incredibly grateful for them.
The future feels a lot more ambiguous to me these days. I’m not entirely sure if I will see 60, but I’m working towards it. That self is hazy and not fully formed. I find myself reaching for them the same way I did as a child, but I only get static. And honestly, I’m okay with that. I am focusing on these days in front of me. A love letter to my future and past selves, so I may say that I did it. I lived my life as much as I could. In full force, and full Joy. There is much work to be done still, but I will have fun doing it. Otherwise what is the fucking point?
My wish to anyone reading this is to reach across your own timeline and send as much love and compassion as you can to the past versions of yourself who got you here, right now. Be they the yesterday version of yourself who forgot to wash your dishes, or the 9-year-old version still holding on to hope and imagination. You wouldn’t be yourself without them, and they are still a part of you even if they feel miles away. Then turn to yourself in the present, and see if you can extend the same Love and compassion towards yourself now. You are trying your best, and that is enough.
No matter what you do, it is always enough. Don’t let them steal your Joy.
You are the time machine.
-Jacqui S. LMT / Witch